5 Hidden Patterns You’re a High-Performer… Who’s Actually Holding Himself Back

When it comes to going after what we want, it’s easy to deceive ourselves. For high-performing men, we set our heights high and are captivated by ambition & drive. Yet despite lavish attempts it’s easy to get caught in self-deceit & not actually go anywhere. These are 5 Hidden Patterns You Might Be Holding Yourself Back.

1. You get a rush from checking tasks off your endless to do lists, but never change what the tasks are. You’re caught in an endless loop of dopamine chasing & busywork with no nuance or fun.

2. You binge on podcasts, blogs & newsletters, but your own thoughts feel foreign, scattered or shallow. You’re fluent in other people’s ideas but lost when it comes to your own.

3. You are constantly rewriting your goals, because deep down, you know you won’t move on them. It’s easier for you to romanticize a future than to face what it would take to build it.

4. You freeze when it’s time to speak up, then resent how effortlessly others do. Their boldness exposes your silence and that stings.

5. You ache for more but don’t know how to break out of your shell. So you stay where it’s familiar, quietly hungry, hoping something shifts.

If any of these hit you’re not broken or deficient, you’re simply stuck in a loop that can end. Those dreams of yours are in reach and they are waiting for you to stop circling them & rise to the occasion.

Click here to book a call with me, let’s move you forward in life https://calendly.com/elianvale/30min

The Person Who Made Me, and Undid Me, All at Once

Have you ever been so defined by someone or something that it made you and broke you at the same time?

That was him for me.
Nine years ago, I met someone who changed my life forever.

He wasn’t just a person.
He was a mirror.

A reflection of everything I loved about myself and everything I couldn’t stand.
He offered a kind of safety I didn’t know I needed. A space to be fully seen.

In my sharpest self-criticism, he met me with stillness.
When I was harsh, demanding, or unkind, he stayed. He didn’t flinch.
And when I softened when I was passionate, caring & tender, he received me like I was God’s greatest gift to the world.

He didn’t just witness me.
He saw me.

And in that seeing, something in me shifted.
I had spent years hiding parts of myself I thought were unlovable.
But in one encounter, those parts were brought to light.
Not as flaws. But as humanity.

That moment, meeting him, wasn’t just a chapter.
It was a rupture in the timeline.
A line drawn between who I was before, and who I would never again be after.

Years have passed.
He’s long gone.
The memory has softened. But the impact remains.

This isn’t a nostalgic plea for what was.
It’s not about needing something back.

It’s reverence.
Gratitude.
For the shift that never unshifted.

He owed me nothing. But he gave me everything, just by choosing to see me.
And maybe that came from his own story—his own pain. I’ll never fully know.

But I do know this:

The best way I can honor it now…
is to pay it forward.
To be that space for someone else.
To offer the kind of presence that doesn’t fix or judge, but simply sees.

Because in the end, that’s enough.

That’s always been enough.

Losing My Instagram Was the Best Thing to Happen to Me: What Attachments Are Holding You Back from Who You Want to Be?

On a random Monday morning, I logged into Instagram like I always did.

Except this time, I was met with a notification:
“Your account has been disabled due to potential fraudulent activity.”

What could I possibly have done?

I’m the do-gooder type. I follow the rules. I live with integrity.
Surely this had to be a mistake.

I spent hours contacting support — only to realize I wasn’t speaking to a person. Just another automated system.
I was locked out. No appeal. No help. No warning. Gone.

What followed was a full range of emotion: confusion, anger, and then… depression.

Earlier this year, I made the biggest leap of my life.
I left the safety of a 9-5 to bet fully on myself — launching my own coaching and consulting practice for high-performing gay men.
It was more than a business. It was a reclamation of everything I used to hide.

And for years, Instagram had been my home base.
I built it from scratch — not to fit into one niche or identity, but to reflect my growth: baking, modeling, mindset, fitness, emotional healing, deep thinking.
My feed was never about one lane — it was about the evolution of me.

And just like that, it was gone.

The most painful part wasn’t the platform. It was the attachment.

I used to say,

“I don’t care what people think.”
“I could get rid of Instagram and be fine.”

But when push came to shove — I wasn’t fine.
That hit taught me something no post ever could:

It’s easy to say we’re strong when we’re in control.
But when life rips away the thing you’ve tied your identity to — will you still be you?

That’s the real test.
And in that loss, a strange thing happened: I started noticing life again.

Conversations got lighter. More meaningful.
No more updates on who was in Cabo or which party had the best outfits.

Instead:

“How’s your day going?”
“You want to grab a walk?”
“God, it’s beautiful outside, huh?”

And the little things started hitting differently:
A smile from a stranger on my walk.
A man holding the door open for me at the gym.
Tiny, everyday acts — now charged with aliveness.

It made me realize something bigger:
You can do everything right.
Love deeply. Show up fully.
And still lose the things (or people) you thought were yours.

But that doesn’t mean your love wasn’t true.
It just means life is bigger than your plan.

Sometimes, it takes losing the thing you thought you needed —
To make space for the things that you actually do.

So I’ll leave you with this:

What are you still clinging to that’s keeping you from becoming who you were always meant to be?
And are you brave enough to let it go ,before life makes you?

In a World Built on Survival, These Are the Warning Signs High-Performing Men Miss

In a world that rewards the hustle & grind with recognition and outward success, it’s easy to look like you have it all together, while quietly unraveling inside.

If you're a high performer who prides himself on excelling at his job, chances are you've built a life that looks impressive by every account. But behind closed doors? The potential for a brewing internal battle that most people would never see is likely. & it doesn’t make you deficient or less successful, it just means you’ve lost sight of what matters.

Here are 5 behavioral signs that high-achieving men often experience when they’re secretly out of alignment:

1. You Chase Dopamine All Day

Scroll. Sex. Work. Hustle. Repeat.
You bounce from one hit to the next, avoiding the one thing that genuinely scares you: stillness.

If you stopped for even a moment, you might have to feel something more profound, like the ache of loneliness, the pressure of expectation, or the fear of not being enough. So instead, you keep moving to dull the ache. It doesn’t take the pain away, but it distracts you from feeling it for another time, another day.

2. You Build Empires But Ignore Your Body

You’ve mastered strategy.
You’ve got 5-year goals.
Your calendar is complete, your vision is clear...

But you’ve lost connection with the one thing that tells you the truth: your body.

You overcome exhaustion.
You push through the anxiety.
You numb out the pain with productivity.

You’ve been trained to lead with your mind, but power comes from integration: mind, body, and emotional expression—the messy, snot-in-your-nose kind that feels uncomfortable to tell and even more to feel. It’s raw, honest, and brutally real, and that’s why it hurts so much and why your brain has taken so many measures to protect you from it.

3. You Say “I’m Good” Even When You’re Not

You’re the strong one. The one people go to—the one who doesn’t crack.

So when life feels heavy, you smile.
You power through.
You downplay it.
Because vulnerability has been coded in your system as weakness or collapse.

But real strength? It’s the ability to tell the truth without losing your center.

4. You Attract Attention But Resist Intimacy

You’re magnetic. Charismatic. People are drawn to you.

Until they get close.

Then something shifts. You either:

• Pull away,

• Shape shape to stay likable,

• Or quietly perform to maintain control.

Deep intimacy requires presence, and presence involves safety. If your nervous system isn’t regulated, intimacy feels like a threat, not a reward.

5. You Never Stop Moving… But Feel Stuck

From the outside, you're in motion.
Always creating.
Always improving.
Always "on."

But inside, you feel trapped.
Why?
Because so much of your life is built on meeting expectations, not on honoring your essence.

And even if you don’t know who you are yet…
You do know this version of you isn’t the whole story.

You Don’t Need to Work Harder, You Need to Come Home to Yourself

You’ve done the external work.
Now it’s time to lead from truth, not trauma.
From alignment, not performance.

This is the real liberation.
And it’s available when you decide to stop running from yourself.

7 Signs You’re Running on Empty When No One Knows

You’ve Built an Impressive Life. You’ve Proven Yourself.

You’re the man people admire. You’ve done everything “right.”
The career. The body. The lifestyle.
But deep down, something feels… off.

Here’s what high-achieving men rarely admit out loud, and exactly why so many stay stuck in a cycle of silent burnout.

1. You’re impressive on paper, but disconnected in real life.

The accolades don’t land anymore. The titles feel hollow.
You can hold a room but struggle to feel at home in your own life.
There’s always more to chase, and less that moves you.

2. You dominate in the boardroom, but avoid your feelings.

You’ve mastered logic and controlled your image.
But when it comes to your emotions?
You either suppress them, spin them, or sprint past them. Vulnerability still feels dangerous.

3. You’re the go-to guy, but no one sees your actual needs.

You’re the rock for everyone else.
But who holds space for you?
You’re not even sure how to ask without feeling weak, so you don’t.

4. Sex feels like a performance, not a connection.

It’s not that you don’t crave intimacy. You do.
But somewhere along the way, sex became about proving something.
Validation. Control. Escape.
Not depth. Not present.

5. You crave intimacy but fear being fully seen.

You want closeness. But also fear losing control.
You’ve built walls so high that sometimes you can't even see over them.
Letting someone in feels risky. But keeping them out feels empty.

6. You’re always achieving, but never at peace.

The goalpost keeps moving.
The next win doesn’t fix the ache.
You live in “what’s next,” but you’re starving for stillness.

7. You know something’s off, but can’t slow down long enough to fix it.

You feel it in your gut:
This pace isn’t sustainable. This life wasn’t built from truth.
But slowing down feels scarier than burning out, so you keep going.

Here’s the truth:

This isn’t weakness. It’s a wake-up call.

The life you built doesn’t have to collapse.
But it does need to be reclaimed by the version of you that no longer has anything to prove.

If this hits something in you…
You’re not alone.
And you don’t have to do this next chapter solo.

→ Let’s talk. Book a private call: here

The Lie of Hookup Culture: Why Casual Sex Isn’t the Power Move You Think It Is

Hookups are the lowest connection standard, but we’ve glamorized them like it’s a power.

In today’s dating culture, we’re fed the illusion that emotional detachment is the goal.
That having sex without catching feelings is a flex.
That being “unbothered” is evolved.

But let’s be honest…

When did emotional numbness become a sign of strength?

We’ve mistaken guardedness for empowerment.
We’ve celebrated withdrawal like it’s wisdom.
But at its core, hookup culture is the equivalent of fast food of intimacy:
Quick. Addictive. Empty.

If you only feel wanted through a digital screen or a stranger in your bed...
That’s not freedom.
That’s settling for less than you deserve.

You weren’t made to tolerate superficial junk treatment.
You were made for depth, amazement, excitement, and awe.

High-value men and women don’t settle for shallow.

They don’t lower their desires to be liked.
They don’t abandon their hearts to feel accepted.
And they damn sure don’t confuse sexual availability with relational power.

If you’ve ever felt the hollowness after yet another night of disconnection…
It’s not because you’re “too sensitive.”
It’s because your soul knows you were built for something more sacred.

Raise Your Standard

You don’t need to play small to be desired.
The most courageous thing you can do is ask for more, from your chest.

So here’s your challenge:

What’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever asked for in love or connection?
Send me a message or DM me on social media — I want to hear your truth.

Let’s make depth the new standard.

-Elian Vale

Being Easy to Accept Is Not What You’re Here For

You keep trying to be easy to accept.

To fit in. To be liked.
To make yourself easier for others to want around.
But deep down, you already know…

That’s not what satisfies you.

You grew up reading the room.
Adjusting your tone.
Blending in so no one would feel uncomfortable around your true expression.

And for a while, it worked.

You became successful.
Respected.
Liked.

But if you're honest, it came at a cost.

Because when you’re constantly shape-shifting to be accepted,
You lose the very part of you that’s meant to lead.

You didn’t build everything you’ve built just to be tolerated.
You built it to be undeniable.
To set the standard, not to chase it.
To own a presence that walks into a room already enough.

To unapologetically own your power.
To speak before permission is given.
To be seen fully, rather than masked, because you remember who you are.

You weren’t made to be easy.
You were made to be iconic.

And if you're done adjusting for comfort — and ready to step into the full force of who you are…

It’s time to rebuild from the real you — the one who no longer hides behind being liked.

The Hidden Cost of High-Performance

In an ever-evolving world, it’s a given that men need to evolve with it to keep up. Performance is a requisite for showcasing talent and ability in order to merit one's ability in one's trade and profession.

But as for the real reason so many gay men are high-performing?
It’s not just talent.
It’s not just drive.

It’s survival.

When you grow up learning to hide who you are, you learn to get good at performing.
You master perfection.
You read a room before you enter it.
You become whoever they need you to be, to feel safe.

And over time? That performance becomes your identity.

We get praised for our polish,
But no one sees the pressure underneath it.

Yes, we’re brilliant.
But a lot of us are burned out.
Hyper-independent. Numb. Guarded.

High-performing? Definitely.
But at what cost?

What if you didn’t have to prove anything anymore?
What if success could feel like freedom, not survival?

That’s the shift I help men make.
From performance… to power.
From pressure… to peace.

- Elian Vale

The Unspoken Weight Ambitious Gay Men Carry

I’ve witnessed a version of success that many ambitious gay men chase: The thriving business. The perfect body. The curated lifestyle. And with it all, there’s often a quiet dissatisfaction behind that success. A feeling that doesn’t show up in our highlight reels. It shows up in the moments no one sees: When the party is over & only emptiness & hollowed-out dreams are left. When the praises for your upgraded body musculature & new career title hit but somehow now make you feel more unseen than ever as a man. & you begin to wonder if real, lasting, soul-rooted love is still available for you. Let’s talk about the hard things that are not often said out loud in the gay community:

The Pressure to Perform Leads to Burnout

Burnout doesn’t always look like an anxiety attack as some in my comments section have mentioned. Sometimes, you seem overperforming because you don’t feel “enough” without the accolades. Being “on” 24/7 because you’re afraid of what silence might reveal if not. Saying yes to everything — the additional work, hookups for the sake of hookups, invitations to that stranger’s party you don’t care for, but it’s a place to be seen by others in the community & feel recognized — while quietly resenting it all. There’s a version of “always-on mode” we’ve been trained to live in. But it’s not vitality. This is what living in survival mode looks like. And it’s costing us our peace & sanity.

Ageism & the Pressure of Time In a world that often equates worth with youth, it can feel that you're running out of time for many. But here’s the truth that’s not sad enough: You’re not late. You’re right on time for what’s right for you. You’ve lived enough to know what you won’t settle for. And you're stepping into the most grounded, magnetic version of yourself. This isn’t about rushing to “lock it down.” It’s about becoming the man you’d want to build a life with — then letting love meet you there.

The Shift We’re Being Asked to Make: More and more ambitious gay men are waking up and asking: Who am I performing for? What would it look like to lead from truth, not trauma? What if I stopped trying to prove and just chose to be? The answer isn’t found in more hustle. It’s found in recognizing your patterns, allowing the truth to rise, and adapting to life in sync with your values.

You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone. This journey isn’t about fixing you. It’s about freeing you. You deserve a space to lay it all down — the weight, the masks, the noise — and be met with clarity and grounded direction. If you’re navigating burnout, rethinking your identity, or craving something more rooted — this is your moment. You’re not too late. You’re just getting started.